I have a lot more bad days than I like to openly admit. My depression comes in waves and with it comes the ongoing mental battle of truth versus perception. It is often paired with anxiety and a desire to pull away. There are feelings of unworthiness and thoughts of harming myself or others. It makes me feel like a weak person and that I should just get over it. But depression is a disease, just like diabetes is a disease. My brain needs help slowing the uptake of serotonin and when a depressive episode comes on there is nothing I can do to stop it, but many things I can do to manage it.
I thought the other day, if I had the energy I spend every day (as of late) trying to keep myself from succumbing to what feels like a black hole trying to suck me into despair, I would have the strength to do so many amazing things. It worries me how my depression will effect my children. Adam is already showing depressive tendencies and I wish I could save him from it.
I don't want my kids to remember the days when I had nothing left to give and I lost my temper then retreated to the couch for a nap. I don't want them to remember all the times I cried when I couldn't bear my own disappointment at the outcomes of my frustrated parenting.
I do try to create happy memories whenever I can. It's those days I hope my kids remember...and days like these:
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| Posing for Pictures |
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| Boys in baths |
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| Dress up and Daddy-Daughter Date |
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| Claiming Christina (visiting from NJ) |
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| Valentine's Victory |
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It's this quiet, peaceful smile I want them to remember.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry that life has been so rough lately, Tobi. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a glutton for punishment with trying to be a good mother to so many children and I only have 3 1/2. Then I remember all of the fun we have playing together, cuddling, and how much I grow as I deal with the challenges of trying to raise them to be the best they can be. It really can be such a rewarding job sometimes.
I'm sure your children have fond memories of the fun you have. You have always been such an inspiration to me with all of your great activities and parties.
I know I can hardly ever remember my mother being angry or frustrated. While she is amazing, I'm sure we were rascals enough to drive her crazy sometimes. I think children are so quick to forgive they honestly remember it no more.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with depression. I'll be thinking of you.
The Lord knew and knows what you are capable of. All he wants is for you to try. If he expected us to be perfect there would be no need for the atonement. But he doesn't.
I think moments of reflection like this are wonderful. Painful, but wonderful nonetheless. It allows us to set goals and rise above.
Depression is lame. It just is. There is no easy solution. But I think talking about it and owning it, like this post, will do more good for your children than you can imagine. It's not an excuse for the behaviors, but it's an explanation and I think that's all anybody wants.
You'll find your groove. I've no doubt!
Tobi, my amazing sister, let me see if I can type through my tears. I am so grateful that you wrote this post. You must know that I have always admired you, and I always will. You are beyond brilliant and I wish that you could see yourself through everyone else's eyes :)
I am honored that you would put little ol' me in your happy times list. I love you sooooo much!
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