Miscarriage

Last August we decided to start trying to get pregnant again. We were still anxious to bring the daughter we had felt for so many years. I wanted her and Liam to be two years apart in school, so we had through December to get pregnant. This was of little concern to me since the longest it had ever taken us to get pregnant was three months (with Kate).


Well, month after month passed without success. Having never dealt with infertility before, I was surprised how quickly and easily I became bitter and angry. Didn't Heavenly Father want to send this child? Wasn't I sacrificing enough just to be willing to have a sixth child? Why wasn't my faith enough?

While I was on my trip to Virginia I was excited to learn that I was finally pregnant! I called Shem first to share the news and then Christina and I celebrated. I was due in September!

Five days later I miscarried.

This was my second early miscarriage. The first was a blighted ovum between Adam and Mason. Having had that experience with early loss helped to soften the blow. I didn't feel to grieve over a pregnancy that never really took form. I did, however, feel to grieve for the lost time. I was anxious to get our daughter here. I had an overwhelming feeling that I could not leave her behind. Knowing that pregnancy and motherhood are difficult for me and complicated by my clinical depression, I just wanted to be done.

The setback added to my mounting discouragement.