A Bittersweet Birth

Note: Our newest addition, Liam Shaffer, is two months old today. It has taken me longer than I planned to record his birth story. I debated whether I should include all the difficult details (mostly my internal struggle). Pregnancy and birth are supposed to be joyful and this one was more difficult for me. I love my baby boy (even more than I expected to), but it wasn't easy to get him here. It is important for me to remember all that I was willing to do to bring him to our family.

Having birthed four kids without medication, I have a theory about pregnancy and labor. The end of a pregnancy has to be so uncomfortable and miserable that a woman will be willing to do ANYTHING to get that baby out! Unfortunately, this time I didn’t quite make it that point.  I was still stuck in the place where I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore, but I wasn’t ready to do the whole labor thing and care for a newborn either.

After more than a year’s effort to sell our lovely 1500 sq ft home in Millcreek (we clearly needed something bigger) the sale was finally going through on Thursday, February 2^nd and we were moving to a wonderful home in South Jordan on the 4^th, 11 days before my February 15^th due date. Since Colin was 15 days early I was really hoping this little guy would at least wait until the day after the move. (I knew it would be hard to direct everything from the hospital.)

The weekend was exhausting with packing, moving, cleaning, and unpacking. We had lots of help from friends and family. We went to our new ward on Sunday and everyone was so welcoming. They knew our names and had been expecting us. On Monday Kate and Adam started at the new school, Jordan Ridge. I was busy at home with the boys trying to put things away and make our house feel more like home while greeting a regular influx of new neighbors and friends from the neighorbood.

On Tuesday morning I was having irregular contractions 10-20 minutes apart.  I decided to skip my heparin shot and see how the morning progressed. I was excited at the prospect of being in labor and simultaneously dreading the whole ordeal. Despite my successes with my last labor I was once again feeling apprehensive about the pain I was inevitably going to face. Fortunately I got distracted by a visit from one of our new neighbors, Cathy.

I had a midwife appointment already scheduled for the late morning so I went in and got checked.  The midwife asked if I was retaining water since I had gained 3 lbs. in the last week. “No,” I replied, “We just moved on Saturday and all our neighbors keep bringing us delicious things to eat!” I was so pleased to hear I was 4 ½ cm, but troubled at the news that I was definitely in labor. I kept thinking about how weary I was. My thoughts kept oscillating between “I’m going to have a baby today!” and “I really don’t want to do this today!”

After lunch I caught a quick nap and then Cyndi came over with her boys to hang out. My nap had slowed things down a bit and my contractions had gone from about 8 minutes apart back to 10-15 mins. Cyndi stayed through the afternoon and I when I got back from picking up Kate and Adam from school my neighbor Cathy was driving out.

“So I guess you’re not in labor?” she inquired.

“Oh I am definitely in labor. I was 4 ½ cms this morning.”

“Oh my gosh! Why aren’t you at the hospital?”

Shem came home and things were starting to get more intense. Everyone was on call to step in. My mom was getting ready to come over to watch the kids, Aunt Mercie (my doula) had cleared her evening, and the midwives on call were waiting to hear about my progress. I was having to concentrate and breathe through some of my contractions and Kate and Adam were equally concerned and excited watching me labor.

When another family stopped by to meet us and drop off a treat they opted not to come in after Kate excitedly announced I was in labor!

At 6:00 p.m. Angela, the midwife on call, called to see if I was planning to come into the hospital before the shift change at 7:00 p.m. I told her my mom was on the way, I needed to shave my legs and get a blessing, and then I would be headed that direction.

We got to IMC at 7:00 p.m. and Shem, Mercie, and I walked back to my birthing room and I got onto the bed for monitoring. About 30 minutes later Lisa Richardson, CNM came in and did my first check and found I was 7 cms.  I tried not be disappointed. I already wanted to be done.  Jill said we could break my water and have things be more intense and faster or we could wait a little longer.  I decided I would take patience over intensity.

I was using my relaxation techniques during each contraction, but each time I tried to go deep into my head alone my thoughts were screaming “I don’t want to do this right now!” It was difficult to work through the contractions with all the negative self talk so I asked Shem to turn on the tv for a distraction. I watched The Biggest Loser and swayed through the contractions, but it was more annoying than helpful.

At about 8:15 things got more intense and when I felt like I was going to throw up I knew I was transitioning and I asked to be checked again.  This time I was a 9 and it was time to break my water. I was still heavily conflicted, because it was all too clear in my mind what was coming as soon as the bag of waters was no longer there to cushion the contractions.

Lisa broke my water at 8:25 p.m. and that quickly brought on a very intense contraction that never let up. My eyes were closed and I held fast to Shem’s hand. I was having a hard time staying on top of the contraction and my intense, constant moans were laced with weeping.  

It was as if my mind was split into two.  On one side I was thinking, “I can’t do this anymore.” On the other side I was reminding myself that feeling this way means I’m almost done. One side wanted to burst into tears and the other side chided, “Stop crying. Don’t be a baby.”

Shem was right beside me whispering encouragement in my ear, “You are doing great.” He kept telling me to moan lower. While one side was comforted by his presence the other side of my mind was wondering who was coaching him – he wouldn’t know to tell me that.

I wanted to know that the baby was coming down, that my efforts were not in vain, but I was afraid to ask and be told how much longer I had to endure. Minutes later they brought over the mirror and it was time to open my eyes.  His head was crowning and with another push his head emerged with his right hand pressed against his cheek.

At 8:36 p.m. Liam Shaffer arrived and they placed him on my chest. I knew immediately he had come from the same mold. This was definitely a Bishop Boy. He wasn’t crying, but he was pink and healthy. I cut the cord and despite my relief at his safe arrival I couldn’t help but think, “That really sucked.”

Liam weighed in at 7 lbs. 14 ozs. and was 20 inches long. After the shaking stopped and I was all stitched up Shem and I had a moment of quiet to share with our newest son. He had a head full of dark hair and that right hand kept making its way back to his cheek. He was precious and I was in love. Although I had felt so conflicted during the labor there was no conflict now – I bonded faster with this baby than any of the others before him. 

And the next morning I remembered why I do natural child birthing. With only one Ibuprofen after delivery and a few ice packs the night before I now felt fantastic and had absolutely no pain. I had taken all the pain up front and I was amazed with how strong and happy I felt. That strength and health proved to be a great blessing because I was going to need it in the coming days.